But like, I really am? I really am afraid of ghosts. And spiders, and the dark, and like, a lot of other things. I’m generally a pretty nervous person. I’m always like, “yeah, I’m so tough” (lol that’s not true, but inside it is!) but really, I’m very afraid of like, pretty much everything. So I wanted to talk about fear, because I’m very afraid currently for a lot of different reasons. (Also I haven’t seen Ghostbusters yet.)
Right now, I’m in 9 to 5, and we have nine rehearsals and one preview left until we open. That, my friends, is extremely frightening. By the time you read this, it is likely that those performances will be long gone, but, still, please know that I was vey afraid for
the two weeks leading up to my show. We really have a lot of things to do, I’m a little nervous for myself and lines and dancing and stuff, but I’m generally just nervous for the whole production. Things are going to be okay, but I’m pretty scared. I get really nervous whenever I have to perform anything, so this is to be expected but there’s something about this show that scares me more and that is something we are rehearsing tonight: The Dance of Death.
I’m playing Judy and she is pretty conservative when it comes to her attire and living her life (not politically conservative, is what i’m trying to say) but she has this dream fantasy, called The Dance of Death, where she is a sexy dancer and she is also a spy and she kills her boss. It’s pretty great and it’s silly and fun but I am terrified - not just nervous or scared - TERRIFIED, of being sexy on stage. I don’t know if it has a background in people telling me that I am undesirable or if it’s because I’m plus sized, or what, but I am very afraid of looking foolish. And I need to cut that shit out because, as has been shown in my life as a performer, I’m gonna be cast as people who need to do things like this!! Why am I scared!!! I do this stuff all the time. But it’s a freaking huge hurdle to get myself over and I don’t have the answers right now, lovebugs. I’m really just scared. I’m not sure what’s going to happen or how I’m going to get over this before opening, but I’m gonna have to.
This is not the first time I’ve had to throw my fears away and act all sexy and stuff on stage. I was in Rocky Horror once, I played Mama in Chicago, I was Veronica in Heathers for my capstone (this is something I look back on and cringe about for thesame reasons listed above), at NTI I played a 40 year old lesbian dominatrix. This isn’t an uncommon trait in my characters, but it’s something I have to battle within myself again and again. Maybe it has something to do with vulnerability? I don’t know. But, I’m going to have to work on it, I guess!
Gotta call those Vampire Ghostbuster Slayers! They’ll know what to do.
Who you gonna call?
P.S. I think this is the shortest blog I’ve written so far. I need to step up my game.